dum spiro, spero
by Good Day Sunshine
Summary: For Kathrynzala/Every time he took a step closer to the end, she pulled him back.


**Disclaimer: I do not own Ace Attorney or its characters.**

Oh my, she's back? Why yes I am!

The prompt is dog. I don't necessarily say dog in this story, but it's inspired. Kay? Kay.

EDIT 9/25/2010: It's bothering me. I clearly put the title in lower case, but it shows up all capitalized. Sigh.

**For Kathrynzala

* * *

**

They didn't put him to death.

Or in jail.

He's dying, why bother doing something that's going to happen soon?

**xxx**

Maya Fey is the first person to visit him. No one's been in his room except for nurses and doctors, tubes and bandages. She brings a coffee machine and several bags of coffee beans. He's glad too; the coffee the nurses served him had too much creamer. She places a steaming cup by his side table and he gulps it down, ignoring the burning sensation in his throat. It's a bit too sugary, but it doesn't matter. He can make his own now.

"No one I know has been here before." Godot coughs out. Maya drags a chair to his side and rests her arms on his bed. She smiles.

"That's not entirely true. I used to visit with Mia once in a while."

He averts her gaze and looks out the window at the setting sun. It looks like a blur to him really, the red hues clouding his eyesight, but his eyes stay locked on the changes happening in the sky. She shuffles uncomfortably in her chair.

"I'm sorry for mentioning it, Mister Armando."

He sighs, a sound too distant and far away to actually be there.

"It's nothing. It's Godot, by the way." She reaches for the cup in his hands to get him more coffee.

"It's never just nothing, Godot." For a second Maya thinks she's overstepped her boundaries, but decides it doesn't really matter anymore.

He just nods.

**xxx**

She visits on Fridays.

"No one wants to call spirits on Friday. I think it's a superstition." Maya says as she twirls a lock of her coal black hair. He stares at the strand, remembering cascading locks of russet and soft porcelain skin. He mutters soft acknowledgements to signal his attention.

"Godot..."

"Yes?"

She smiles, but it doesn't reach her eyes.

"Nothing."

"It's never just nothing." he says, parroting what she told him the first day. She laughs, just a little, and looks off into to the distance.

"I'll tell you someday, Godot…someday."

**xxx**

Her cheeks fill with color and she looks down bashfully.

"I hope I'm not asking too much."

He thinks for as second. "No. Not really." he replies. Godot slowly removes the visor covering his eyes. She stares at eyes wandering aimlessly about. He's panicking on the inside, but he tries his best to remain calm.

_It's dark, it's dark, it's dark..._

She reaches out, gently touching his eyelids. He flinches and his milky eyes land on her figure.

He looks so lost, she muses. And it is then when she feels a sort of connection to him, to his lost wandering eyes and his grim expression. She brushes over his white lashes before nudging him to put on his visor once again.

_I'll help him._

**xxx**

"How's Trite doing?"

The way she slightly flinches does not go unseen. She claps her hands together and smiles.

"Trite? - oh - you mean Nick! Nick, he's umm….he's doing well."

"Have you seen him?" He taps on his mug, the coffee once there already long gone. She sounds like she's doing a testimony for a murder. Her movements grow jittery and shaky as she plucks the mug from his hands to get more coffee.

"Oh no, but he writes me a lot! He has his own life though. I mean, after what happened and all, a lot has changed. He has an apprentice now…I forget his name though. Justness? Cutlass? Something like that. Though I really wish that he would – he…he would,"

Her smile cracks, her voice quivers and falters, and she rubs away at her eyes.

It's always too soon.

**xxx**

_He held her when she was crying._

Or maybe she's just having delusions, but she clearly remembers strong arms and calloused hands holding onto to her after she had her breakdown.

"I…I wanted to say thank you. For that time."

"It's no problem."

She smiles and it's real, the first in a long time.

_(the building blocks are being set now)_

**xxx**

"Mia. Mia, are you there? Mia, please, please answer me."

"I'm here, Diego." The lies leave her mouth before she has time to think and the relieved expression on his face buries all the guilt she once had.

"Mia, don't leave me." It is his relieved face that is her downfall. She quietly agrees to his pleas and hands him his coffee.

"I love you Mia."

"I love you too, Diego."

**xxx**

He is getting used to her presence. It is a calming spirit to the many medicines that wreak havoc on his senses. She is still a child, he thinks. She still hums nursery rhymes and pouts like a small kid being refused of his or her toy.

"Godot?"

"Yes?"

"Are you my friend?"

Her questions always put him off guard. It is something he should get used to because it doesn't seem like she's leaving anytime soon (but oh, she should).

_"Sometimes I think Maya's lonely. I left her alone back at the temple to be a lawyer, but it is for a good reason, of course. We need to find Mother; I know she's out there. It'll make Maya happy, I bet. The smallest things make her happy, like last time, we went out to eat burgers, and I remembered to ask for no onions on hers. She was so excited when I remembered; I think it made her day… What do you think, Diego? Did I do the right thing?"_

"Of course."

She hmms, not entirely believing him. He doesn't believe himself that much either.

**xxx**

She's thought a lot about this.

Sis always said that the people you care about and who make you happy are the ones you love.

There's no other way to describe this feeling.

**xxx**

"I love you." she says, her voice nonchalant. It seems like it's barely a bother to her, but his world tilts on its axis and stops.

"Don't." he rasps. Her face scrunches up and a defiant look grows on her face.

"Don't tell me what to do!" she screams. It is always the same, it is always _don't do this_ and _don't do that_ and _this is bad for you_,_ don't don't don't_. In a few seconds time, she's left the room.

His small world drops, crashing into tiny splinters of glass.

Or maybe that's just his heart.

**xxx**

"I love you."

"No."

**xxx**

"I love you."

"No."

**xxx**

"I love you."

"No."

**xxx**

She is at her wit's end.

"Tell me to leave," she begs.

"Leave."

So she does.

**xxx**

He didn't think she would be serious. It's one of her points to make groundless threats, but…

She hasn't been here in three weeks.

He tries to gulp down the coffee the nurse gives to him, before coughing on it half way through.

_Too much water._

**xxx**

"It's okay to cry, Mystic Maya."

The younger girl has grown extremely perceptive, but Maya doesn't have the heart to tell Pearl that she's cried every night for weeks on end at times.

"I'll keep that in mind, Pearly."

**xxx**

She enters quietly with a click of her door.

"I don't want any more medicine, so go away." he grumbles.

"But you should, Godot. I want you to get better. Then we can go to the beach or the aquarium…"

He turns his head to meet her, his heart jump starting in his chest. She wears a sheepish smile on her face.

"I couldn't stay away. Sorry." she murmurs.

He smiles too, but she doesn't see it.

"It's okay."

**xxx**

A bowl of cherries sits on his lap. One of the nurses gave it to him in hopes he would eat something. He doesn't.

"Do you want some?" he says, pointing at the cherries. She grins.

"Maybe later."

By the end of the day, the bowl still leaves untouched.

_"Cherries are my favorite, Diego. I think Maya likes them too….but they're a bit too sour for her at times."_

"Why didn't you eat any?" he asks. She looks back from the door at him.

"I don't like cherries. They're too sweet."

**xxx**

He's starting to notice small things.

She grins when she is unsure.

She puts a sugarcube into his coffee.

Her lips are pink and they part slightly when she is happy.

"Godot?"

He nods, as if to signal the end. She doesn't notice.

**xxx**

"I'm dying."

_Push her away, push her away…_

"You're going to leave me too?" The desperation slowly leaks into her voice and his throat clogs up, useless words filling his being.

He still doesn't say anything. She'll leave in time.

**xxx**

"I'm dying."

His head hurts and the pained expression on her face just increases the pounding in his brain. The nurses are talking less and the doctors all wear grim expressions. They've increased his pill intake and he's been ordered to stay in bed longer. The days are shortening. Maybe she'll leave soon.

"Aren't we all?"

**xxx**

"Do you still think about her?"

_All the time, infinitely, day after day, endlessly….._

He looks away to the window.

It's always too soon.

**xxx**

"I'm getting married," she says. It sounds more a question than a statement, and once again he has lost his voice.

"Why?"

_"I have reasons…. I have people I want to protect, Diego. People I love, you included."_

She shrugs her shoulders. "Because." She's trying to convince herself, he thinks. He's trying to convince his mind to wrap around the idea, too.

"Do you even know the man?"

"No."

He sucks in a breath and looks away.

**xxx**

It bothers him more then it should.

**xxx**

"I couldn't do it." Her voice is relieved and it sounds like a heavy deed taken off her shoulders.

He turns his head to hide the smirk on his face.

"Why?"

"I don't know….He wasn't nice, I suppose. Or….I don't know."

_She perfectly does._

He nods.

**xxx**

It makes him happier then it should.

**xxx**

"Do you love _her_ more then me?" Her questions are always untactful. She just thinks it's not worth beating around the bush.

It is at times like these that he wishes he was a liar.

"Yes."

He looks away, not wanting to see her face. He's had enough heartbreak in his life.

**xxx**

"It's time for you to move on, Diego."

He hasn't heard that voice in ages. Is he hallucinating from the medicine?

"...Mia?" his voice is a mess and he can barely speak. "Mia," he repeats, "Where's Maya?"

Mia smiles a knowing grin. She points to herself and he understands. He feels as if he should hold her in his arms and never let go, but all he can do is stare.

"I'll always love you, Diego."

"I'll always love you too." His voice is confused and Mia chuckles meaningfully. She disappears and a confused young woman awakes.

"Godot? What happened?" Maya asks, rubbing her eyes and yawning.

"Nothing."

_(but something has because his heart feels one hundred times lighter)_

She frowns, obviously not pleased with his answer.

"It's never no-"

"I'll tell you one day, Maya." he answers. Her skin turns a light pink and she grabs the cup from his hand.

"I'll count you on that, Godot."

**xxx**

The road to recovery is always long. The last time Godot woke up, he just buried everything to become the monster he created. Now everything is seeping through, but someone is here to help him. She hasn't uttered those three words in over a month though.

Maybe she's finally given up.

He ignores the feeling of disappointment in his stomach.

**xxx**

He's done something horrible and as much as he wants to pin the blame on something else, but the words stay stuck in his throat and refuse to come out. She's still there, but she sighs and tells him she has to leave. Her mouth curls up into a plastic smile and he remembers soft lips and the taste of cherries.

"Sorry."

He has a feeling those words will never be enough. Not for him or her.

**xxx**

_Everything must be buried._

_He doesn't love you._

"I've been thinking about it sometime…and I think I don't….feel that _certain way_ for you." She looks away so he doesn't see the tears in her eyes.

"What?"

"But…. I, I need you…and I think you need me too." The silence signals that he believes her. She wants to laugh at how gullible he is.

The truth is, he doesn't want to admit she's right.

**xxx**

"Do you still think about_ her_?"

"….Not much."

**xxx**

He's getting a check up from the doctor somewhere else, so she's alone.

She doesn't like being alone because she thinks too much. She thinks too much and thoughts lead to troubles and worries. The times when maybe being a spirit medium is bad and the times when she thinks that she's only a replacement, second best.

_Maybe he doesn't need you. _

She has her doubts.

**xxx**

And in the end, it is her foolish mind that won.

**xxx**

"I'm leaving."

He chokes on his coffee.

"What?" he says, his voice incredulous.

"It's too much – this, this is too much." Her eyes are wide and frantic. She is afraid, but so is he. Godot grabs onto her arm, using the little amount of his strength that is left to hold her back.

"You're hurting me, Godot." _In more ways then one._

"I love you, I love you, please don't go, please." He doesn't even know if he's saying the truth or lying, but he'll do anything to keep her by his side. For a split second it looks like she believes him, but her eyes start to shine and she gently pushes him away.

Each footstep she takes is echoing in his mind.

**xxx**

It's cold.

"Close the damn window."

"As you wish, Mister Armando."

He still shivers.

**xxx**

She hasn't accepted a request for two weeks.

_It's better like this,_ she tells herself. No more painful memories and useless tears.

She sucks in a breath, her breathing shallow.

She's always been a terrible liar.

**xxx**

He sits there and the regrets pile one by one.

_It's too late, it's too late, it's too late._

He throws his mug on ground and revels in the sound of the shattering.

Something like this has happened before...

He lets out a loud strangled sound and the nurses rush in. Godot begs for more medicine, but the nurses refuse.

_"You're going to get better, Mister Armando."_

He wants to laugh at the irony of his situation, but all that comes out is a coughing fit.

What's the point, anyways?

**xxx**

She counts.

She counts the seconds, the days, the minutes, the weeks.

_Twenty-three, twenty-four, twenty-five, twenty-six..._

She doesn't know exactly what she's counting for though.

**xxx**

His shaking hands reach for the water on the table beside him, but he knocks the glass over with twitching fingers.

Liars.

He's not getting any better.

**xxx**

She sits on a patio in Fey Manor.

It's been over four weeks (and she's stopped counting). It's not that much, really. She only visited him once a week after all. And he wasn't the nicest company.

She leans her head back and laughs.

An epiphany.

"I can't do this."

**xxx**

She enters without a sound, the noise of the hospital outside his door muffling her movement. She moves to his side and holds him in her arms. He immediately knows who it is. He grabs onto her, pulling her to him. He holds onto her like she is his salvation, -

_and maybe she is_

- his arms slight trembling. Her grip tightens on him and the shaking soon stops.

They stay like this the rest of the day and when she gets tired, he pulls her onto his bed, never letting go.

"Godot, I-" He shushes her, his lips set into a straight line, a look of concentration on his face. All the _I'm going to die_s and the _I can't do this to you_s leave his mind as her mouth moves to kiss him on the nose and her eyes glisten in the setting sun.

It is their promise of eternity.

**xxx**

_fin._

_

* * *

_

This sucks. I can't help it. I wanted it to be better, but blearhonfadlfaa'fadfja;flajefr;djfakl. I tried to fix it over 9000 times, but my efforts turned out to be of no use. This is as good as it's going to get…..

Sigh.

EDITED ON 9/30/10: with the help of Kathy (I'm calling you that so too bad).

**If you see anything wrong with the story such as grammar and the such, please feel free to PM me.** This is quite long compared to my normal stories (showed up to be twelve pages in the word document…wow!)...which are all usually really short...

i hope you enjoy it!


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